Comedy

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This is a collection of bad jokes. A bunch were told before a PHYS-260 final in the fall of '06, and there's no reason not to share them with everyone.

Bad Physics Jokes

  • Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
  • Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
  • Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?He’s 0K now.
  • A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”
  • Wife walks in on husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”
  • How many physicists* does it take to change a light bulb?
    • If the light bulb is a perfect sphere, one. The solution for a light bulb of arbitrary shape is left as an exercise to the reader.
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  • There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'
  • Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!
  • An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof. The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color. The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats. What is the difference?
    • One cat has a greater mew. (credit: Mike Varney)
  • What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch? Fission Chips.
  • Yo momma so fat, a Lorentz contraction wouldn't have any effect ever!
  • A psychologist conducts an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: 'I´ll half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and you´re not allowed to stand up.' The mathematician runs away, yelling: "In that case, I´ll never reach her!" After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. The psychologist tells him, "but you´ll never get to this woman!" The physicists responds, "Sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation."
  • A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a theoretical physicist are stuck on a deserted island with only a can of beans for food. Since none of them has a can opener, they set about thinking of how to open the can.
    The mechanical enginner says, "If we take this big rock and drop it on top of the can, the gravitational force will increase the pressure inside the can and force it to explode!" The other quickly shoot this down, pointing out that it will also squish the beans.
    After a while, the chemical enginner says, "If we grind up these shells and mix them with the salt water, it will produce an acid strong enough to eat through the metal. We just have to put it on the rim of the can and wait." But they decide that would be toxic to the human body.
    After a bit more time has passed, the theoretical physicist jumps up. "I've got it! First, we'll assume we have a can opener..."
  • Wave if you've met Schrödinger!
  • Polymer physicists are into chains.
  • Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
    Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
  • One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer terror.
    -- W.K. Hartmann
  • 'The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.

The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer." "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper." "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l/g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up." "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building." "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

  • Once all the physicists have died and go to heaven, they decide to play hide-n-seek. Einstein has to seek so is supposed to count to 100 and then start searching.

Everyone starts hiding except for Newton - he just draws a square of 1 meter by 1 meter and stands in it right in the middle of the room, in front of Einstein.

Einstein keeps counting: ...97, 98, 99, 100.

He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front.

Einstein says, "Newton's out!"

Newton says, "I'm one Newton per meter squared - Pascal's out!"


Bad Astrophysics Jokes

Black holes and beautiful women have two things in common.

  1. They have very attractive bodies.
  2. They are very elusive to the eyes of physicists.

Bad Atomic Jokes

  • A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he attempts to pay, the bartender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge."
  • A Hydrogen atom runs up to two other atoms yelling and waving his arms. "Help! A mugger just stole my electron!" One of the other atoms looks him over and asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies: "I'm positive!"
  • Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I’d like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that’s what I wanted!”
  • Two Bosons walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.'
  • What can't you trust atoms? They make up everything!
  • Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
  • Silver and Gold walk into a bar. Bartender says “‘ey you, get outta here!” Gold leaves the bar.

Heisenberg

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  • Werner Heisenberg is speeding down a highway, when he's pulled over by the police. The cop walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, sir, do you know how fast you were driving?" Heisenberg looks up to the officer and says, "Nope, but I know exactly where I was!"
  • On another occasion, Werner was pulled over by a police officer who asked if he had just run a red light. He responded that he did not see the light as red, because it blue-shifted as he was approaching it. The cop, who dabbled in physics, was sympathetic, and gave him a speeding ticket intead.
  • Albert Einstein and Werner Heisenberg were out walking in the country conversing at length on the subject of physics. After some time, Einstein said, "Werner, stop a minute." Both men stopped walking and Heisenberg asked, "What is it Albert?" "I have been so immersed in thought that I have not been paying attention, where are we?" Heisenberg replied, "I'm not sure."

Einstein

  • Einstein boards a train in the States, and after a moment he falls asleep. He wakes up, confused, and walks up to the conductor and asks him, "Excuse me, sir, does New York stop at this train?"

Experimental Physicist

A doctor, a lawyer and an experimental physicist are debating at dinner the relative virtues of having a mistress or remaining faithful to one's wife. The doctor is of the opinion that dues to the number of attractive nurses and interns he works with it is entirely unrealistic for him to remain faithful to his wife. The lawyer on the other hand explains that should his wife ever require a divorce lawyer, that lawyer would bleed him dry for sport due to professional jealousy and thus he is bound to remain faithful. Meanwhile the experimental physicist has been scribbling on the back of an envelope. They interrupt his work, restate the problem and ask him to break the tie. The experimental physicist tugs at his beard for a few moments and then his eyes light up! "Gentlemen," he cries, "it is evidently obvious that a mistress is required! One can call one's wife and tell her 'I will not be home tonight, I must visit my mistress,' then one can call one's mistress and tell her 'I can not visit tonight, I must go home to my wife,' then you will have to whole night free to work at the lab!"

Burgers and Physics

The Heinz'n'burger Uncertainty Principle: In Quantum BBQing the outcome of a simple test (like flipping a burger) is never deterministic. The H.U.P. gives a lower bound for the tastiness of a burger. No burger can be less tasty than the product of the uncertainty of grease and the uncertainty of percentage real beef. It also follows that a fundamental postulate of Quantum Culinary Mechanics is Burger-Sandwhich Duality. This phenomenon was first discovered in Young's Double Decker expermient in 1803. Young showed that although a burger most definitely has a patty, bun and toppings, a meatball sandwhich without sauce and flat meatballs comes pretty damn close. Of course Quantum Culinary Mechanics has been historically at odds with Ein-ketchup-stain's Theory of Greasy Relativity. The T.G.R. proposes that all burgers exist in space-time continum where they follow four-dimensional metrics into the stomachs of massive people. One of the most fascinating results of T.G.R. is the postulated existence of a black hole: a hunger so great it can consume an infinite amount of burgers. Stephen Hawking of course disgagrees and claims everyone has to ralph eventually.

Bad Chemistry Jokes

A biologist, a chemist, and a physicist are travelling along, and they come across the Pacific ocean. Neither of the three have ever seen an ocean before, and they all get excited to begin experimenting immediately. The physicist runs up to the water, yells, "I must study the waves in this body of water," drowns, and dies. The biologist runs up into the water yelling: "I wonder what wildlife must live in the sea!" He, too, drowns and dies.

The chemist takes a moments, and then pulls out a paper and starts jotting things down, mumbling "Ah-ha! Biologists and physicists are solluble in Oceans..."

Bad Math Jokes

  • Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears.
  • Don't drink and derrive.
  • Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
    • A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
  • A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”
  • There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
  • A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl”? The logician replies: “yes”.
  • A constant function and are walking down the street. "Boy," the constant says, "I'd never walk alone, I hear there's been a rogue differential running around differentiating things." "Ha, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not worried at all!" brags, and drops off the constant at his house, then walks home. On the way, a function catches him. "Now that I've got you, I'm going to differentiate you!" it growls. "Go ahead and try, I'm invincible!" says. The function laughs. "Oh, but I'm d/dy!"
  • A physicist approaches a mathematician with the latest results of his experiment and asks the mathematician to look the calculations over. The mathematician agrees and a week later comes back and tells the physicist his proposed formulas aren't working out at all. "But I've run more trials, and none of my data is deviating from my hypothesis!" the physicist says. So the mathematician offers to check everything over one more time, and after another week they meet up again. "Well," the mathematician sighs, "I'm sorry to say this formula still doesn't work - it only makes sense in the trivial case where everything is real and positive."
  • I was coming back from Iraq the other day carrying a compass, protractor, text book and ti-89. I was arrested for carrying devices of math instruction.
  • What is the volume of a pizza when it has a radius of z and a thickness of a?
  • What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
    • Nothing! Can't cross a vector and a scaler!
  • The functions are having a party and everyone is there: , , , etc... is looking sad in the corner, so goes over to him and asks what's wrong. "I've got no friends," complains . "Just come over and join us, then; integrate a little!" replies. At this, breaks down and sobs, "It won't make any difference!"
  • A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are observing an empty building. At some point in time two people walk into the building and at a later point in time three people walk out. The biologist says "they must've reproduced". The physicist says "there must be an error in calculation". The mathematician says "if one more person walks into that building, it will be empty".
  • There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
        Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
        Proof: assume the opposite...
  • A mathematician got tired of mathematics. He thought he would do something more practical to help the layman. So after some thought, he decided to join fire-brigade. The fire-brigade officials were initially doubtful about his efficiency to carry out earthly tasks as he has been a mathematician. So, they decided to have an interview. "So, what would you do if you see a house on fire?" asked an official in the interview board. "Well, I shall come with the fire engine, search for a water source nearby ..." started the mathematician and surprisingly he described fighting against the fire very well. The officials were impressed and they were about to take him in. One of them then just asked, "What would you do if you see a house which is not on fire?" The mathematician took a long time to think and then said, "I shall set it on fire." Astonished, the officials asked, "But why?" The answer came, "I reduce the problem to a previously solved one".

Bad General Science Jokes

  • How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the shin.
  • A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

  • A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.

  • The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Bad Pick Up Lines

  • I wish I were your derivative; that way i could lie tangent to your curves.
  • I wish I were your second derivative so that I could investigate your concavities.
  • I wish I was your integral so I could fill up your area.
  • My love for you is like a concave up function, it never stops increasing.
  • I think we should discover the integral from 10 to 13 of 2x together.
  • Your eyes have a perfect wavelength of 563.4 nm.
  • I know the spring constant for my mattress. Wanna take some data?
  • That dress would look even better accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 m/.
  • Most women are so complex. They're always like"i! i! i!" But you- you're just so real.
  • I might be a physics major, but I'm no Bohr in bed.
  • Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
  • Can I put my flux in your loop? I'm tired of settling for self inductance.
  • I'm relativistic. The faster I go, the longer I last.
  • What's the probability of finding my particle in your box tonight?
  • Baby, you can put a Trojan on my hard drive anytime.

A Party of Famous Physicists

(Originally found here.)

One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests:

  • Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
  • Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
  • Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
  • Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.
  • Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.
  • Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
  • Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
  • Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
  • Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.
  • Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
  • Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.
  • Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
  • Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
  • The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
  • van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.
  • Wien radiated a colourful personality.
  • Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
  • de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
  • Hollerith liked the hole idea.
  • Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
  • Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
  • Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
  • Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
  • Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
  • Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
  • Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
  • Oppenheimer got bombed.

External links

  • XKCD - Wonderful physics/math/computer comics.
  • DHMO.org - Environmental Impact of Dihydrogen Monoxide